Pope Francis Still Not Allowing Gay Weddings in St. Peter’s Square

What is the hold up? Let’s get on with the gay wedding right in St Peter’s Square already! Francis, you have been Head Man in Rome for at least six months now. You said, Who am I to judge, didn’t you? And did you not say your favorite painting in Rome is Caravaggio’sCalling of St. Matthew“? How much gayer (and Baroquely so) than Caravaggio can you get? “St. Matthew” in the painting isn’t even dead, he is alive and living in Provincetown right now–unless he’s gone back to Chelsea for the winter already.

We don’t need to hear any more noise about “discernment,” by the way. Discernment takes time, you say. Uh-huh. The wedding planners have discerned plenty already. The gowns, dresses, tuxes, trains–they are ready and waiting, my man!

You hesitate. I understand. You are not a right-winger, but you don’t want to be doing stuff “willy-nilly,” as our President Obama says. No problem. We got a guy we are gonna send over to tell your people what he has no problem with, so as to nudge you along the path of righteousness. Name of Biden. There are no limits to God’s mercy, as you say. And you will be judged with mercy after you do the right thing.

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