Obamacare Navigators Knock–Senator Cruz Opens Door And Is Held Hostage

Obamacare mental health care navigators are said by reliable sources to have captured Senator Ted Cruz. They knocked on his office door and promised him a free Obamaphone and he fell for it. They are holding him hostage until the House repeals the Citizens United decision, passes the farm bill, funds the Affordable Care Act for ten years, passes a new Voting Rights Act, as well as a bill legalizing gay marriage nationwide and providing free wedding cakes for all such couples (or threesomes or foursomes if so desired).

Senator Bernie Sanders denounced Republican inflexibility on Cruz ransom conditions, noting that his own stated position had previously included a law jailing all CEOs of Wall Street firms and putting them in the stocks adjacent to Trinity Church for six months in all weather. Sanders remarked that he is now willing to compromise by providing umbrellas to cover executive heads in the rain.

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