Pope Abandons Futbol, Takes Up Cricket: “The Tea And Cucumber Sandwich Life Is The Life For Me”

Formerly populistic Pope Francis has completely forgotten about global poverty and suffering since he tasted the glorious tea and cucumber sandwiches served at the recent announcement of a cricket match between representatives of the Church of England and the Vatican. “Our earthly life is such a brief pilgrimage,” said the Pope to his fellow celebrants at Casa Santa Marta chapel yesterday. “I simply cannot believe I have blown so much of it watching World Cup matches when I could have been out on the pitches of New Zealand, New Delhi, and New Dorp! (See the novel Netherland). Today is the first day of my new life!” The Pontiff, who had not spoken a single sentence of English in public before this month, is taking a sabbatical from the papacy for six weeks with the Sarah Lawrence English immersion program in Florence. Going forward, in a ploy aimed quite transparently at the main demographic prize, dwarfing the inconsequential numbers of Roman Catholic soccer fans in Brazil and Mexico, Francis is said to plan to subsist entirely on samosas, chat, and lassi.

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