Blame Canada! But What Took The President So Long?

Hey Trump, why all the farting and cursing?  Why didn’t you just cut to the chase on day one?  Made us wait almost 99 and one half days before you dropped the big one on Canada.  I coulda told you years ago how rough they are on Americans.  The least you can do, because you made us wait so long, is give your loyal base the “thumbs up, thumbs down” thrill of deciding whether to let Canada survive or not.  After the bears and lions (I mean the milk inspectors and the softwood inspectors) tear them up a little, that is.

BTW do the Canadians have nukes or not?  I think the French do, but not real sure.  Better ask Xi Jinping for the true historical history before you make any sudden moves.

Canada Expelled From Turtle Island

I am sorry to say that Canada has been expelled from Turtle Island effective immediately, on account of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford‘s remarks yesterday.

OK I lied. Actually I am so proud to belong to a civilized and sensible nation, the United States, not a land of horrid vulgar barbarians like Canada. Our National Public Radio, I am pleased to say, referred to Ford’s live Canadian TV press conference Thursday as “vulgar” without deigning to quote him directly. We are a modest and polite people, we Americans, and we will simply have nothing more to do with embarrassing countries.

The Slippery Slope of Renunciation

I thought Mayor Bob Filner had made such great therapeutic progress that he was going to go back to his mayor job, but no, he is apparently taking the easy way out and slinking away from public life. He is surely doing San Diegans a favor.

But what the heck are you doing, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, renouncing your homeland of Canada? Bad decision, I think. There are so few civilized countries on the planet, why mess with one of them? After Hillary Clinton succeeds Obama, the plagues and maybe the apocalypse are sure gonna get us, and maybe even global warming will be part of the divine plan to punish America. Canada might have half a mind to not let you unrenounce four years from now and become Canadian again. I know you still have time to turn away from your rash promise to renounce and turn back into the dual citizen you were naturally born to be. Can I tell Donald Trump or do you want to let him know first?